Is a private school education too soft? If you enroll your son in a private elementary school, will he be too sheltered? Will he leave school lacking the toughness, the drive, and the street smarts to make his mark in the unforgiving outside world?

As your son approaches kindergarten age, one of the first decisions you must make is between private school and public school. If your idea of private school is largely fed by the silver spoon reputation depicted in TV shows and movies, it’s fair to ask some of these questions. It’s understandable to worry a private school will coddle your son.

“This is top-of-mind for many of the families we talk with,” says Margaret Kelly, Director of Lower School Admissions at The Fessenden School. “They don’t want their sons coming out of school snobby and over-privileged. They want them grounded in reality, with good values, civically minded, and ready to make a contribution to the world.”

But that silver spoon reputation is a myth. (Here are a few other common private school myths, debunked.)

Not only will your son not be coddled at a good private school, but he will be challenged and, with the support of teachers and staff, he will emerge from those challenges a more capable, confident person.

Here are two reasons a high-quality private elementary school will most definitely not coddle your son.

1. A good private school will give your son the ‘freedom to fail.’

Boys learn when they take on new challenges and work to overcome them. They may not succeed the first few times, but that’s all part of the learning process. If the challenge was easy—or if teachers intervened and did the hard work for their students—there would be nothing to learn.

“Failure needs to be viewed in a more positive light because it is elemental to growth,” says Dr. Jonathan Goldberg, a clinical instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and psychologist at The Fessenden School. “Failure is a progression to success.”

At The Fessenden School, our faculty believes in giving students the “freedom to fail.” That means providing them a wide range of opportunities to confront new challenges at every grade level.

From learning Spanish in elementary school, to performing on stage, to mastering high-tech equipment and software in the Ciongoli Center for Innovation, students at a private school like Fessenden have more chances to try and fail and try again in more ways than they might have anywhere else.

2. Private school teachers are supportive, not coddling.

Giving students the freedom to fail doesn’t mean leaving them on their own to suffer repeated and discouraging setbacks. Eventually, too much failure will leave a boy feeling helpless and alone. The supportive guidance of a teacher can mean the difference between giving up and surmounting a challenge.

“At Fessenden, all of the boys are getting a lot of positive support, but they are also being challenged to go beyond their capacity,” says David Stettler, Fessenden’s Head of School. “Our teachers and coaches raise the bar with one hand and lift boys up the other.”

This isn’t coddling. This is providing encouragement to boys to try something new, to go outside their comfort zones. This is reassuring boys that someone will be there for them when the work gets difficult, a safety net when they fall.

“The attitude is, ‘I know you can rise to this. That’s why I’m going to hold you to this and stretch you and help you get there,’” Margaret Kelly explains.

By giving boys the freedom to fail, and succeed, and supporting them when they need it, high-quality private elementary schools help boys discover strengths they never knew they had. They gain confidence to take head-on whatever difficulties life might bring and the resolve to pick themselves up and carry on when things don’t go their way.

You can hardly call this coddling.

What other misconceptions do people have about private schools? In your experience, what is the truth? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.